{Hoosier Momma Moment} 9 Things They Don’t Tell You About the 9th Month

At this point in my pregnancy, I have read What to Expect When You’re Expecting cover-to-cover at least a thousand times. I have pages flagged, I quote it in conversation like I’m some sort of pro. I have a list of answered questions from doctors, I bookmarked websites on my laptop, and I’m a graduate of Birthing 101.

It would seem that I knew what to expect (pardon the pun) during my last month of pregnancy, but there were plenty of surprises I didn’t see coming.

After talking with some post-preggo friends, I learned its pretty typical. So here are a few things websites, books, and parenting classes probably wont tell you about your last month of pregnancy.

1.) People will think they belong in your labor room as much as your doctor does.

Mommas know the kind of people I’m talking about. That one coworker or friend you haven’t seen since high school who casually one day said something like “We’ll be on a conference call while you’re birthing in the background” and you laugh politely because the likeliness of that happening is so… not likely. So you let it slide.

But then those comments turn into “I better not hear you’re in labor during Thanksgiving dinner because my family will not understand.” or “I’ll stand watch by your room and make sure no one you don’t like comes in” or something along those lines.

And you start to realize, oh God. Maybe this person really thinks they are going to be there when I’m in labor. It is a legitimate possibility this person may show up moments after I deliver and want to touch my child.

It’s a terrifying thought, enough to make you want to want to file a tiny restraining order against your baby’s first stalker. But the moral to take here is not to be so sweet.

It’s okay to let out a few “hell no” and still be polite. Honey, you’re pregnant. Snap and blame it on the hormones.

2.) People will need to know answers to personal questions at inappropriate times.

This one is pretty self explanatory. I have been at work, walking through the aisles at work when one of my coworkers will literally shout at me as I walk past,

“Ally, are you going to breastfeed?”

Or, my favorite from this afternoon, “Have you dilated any?”

Yes, you’re pregnant, and yes, it’s obvious but no, you don’t have to answer those questions. You are not a drive through, people don’t need to shout questions at you.

3.) Someone you don’t know will touch your belly and it will be very awkward.

The awkwardness mainly stems from the stranger touching your belly saying something like “Oh, you’re pregnant!” (As if you didn’t already know) or “Hi Baby!” (as if your child can respond)

You want to make it more awkward? Touch their belly back.

4.) The last month of pregnancy, your bowls will go crazy.

After months of digestive unrest: heartburn, constipation, hemorrhoids. Your bowels will decide it’s spring break.

It’ll be like you’re back in college cramming for finals and all you’ve eaten are Hot Pockets, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, and coffee.

It’s a fiesta, for sure. Get ready.

5.) Your sense of style will DISAPPEAR.

Faster than you can make a Harry Potter reference, you will find your willingness to make yourself look nice just completely peace out on you.

In a matter of days, I managed to literally start crying when I needed to put my work pants on. LITERALLY. I was inconsolable.

You will look at big sweatshirts like they’re an attractive guy at a bar. You will even find yourself saying things to them, reminding them how much you love them and how you missed them when you were away.

Underwear? Forget about it. Bras? Puh-lease. The world should be lucky you HAVE pants on, let alone proper undergarments.

Every day I browse through Pinterest and see some picture of a beautifully pregnant woman in some trendy outfit (complete with heels–UGH) all paired with some comment like “How to still wear your pre-pregnancy clothes while pregnant”.

Not happening. Those posts are there to make you feel awful about yourself. If you want to look good at 38 weeks pregnant, you’re not really 38 weeks pregnant.

6.) The hardest thing you will ever do is get off the couch.

No, I’m not talking emotionally, I’m talking physically.

Somewhere I’m sure Justin has a video of me begging for help off the couch. BEGGING. The harder you try to scoot off it, it will not happen.

At least twice a day, I give up on something I needed or wanted to do because it would involve me attempting to get off the couch.

Yesterday I watched a Magic Bullet Info-mercial in SPANISH until Justin woke up because I sat down on the couch and the remote was across the room.

7.) Starting around week 38 you will earn a desperate look in your eye that will not go away.

People will be saying things to you like “You look great!” and “Not much longer!” and you will smile and they will believe it.

But if you were to photograph that moment and just focus on your eyes, you would see what marathon runners have in their eyes when they see the finish line.

You will need to work to NOT look like you’re about to collapse.

Don’t believe me? Look at this progression of pictures of me at 38 weeks. The three of these were taken literally seconds of each other.

8.) You will be hungry ALL THE TIME.

Right now, I’m writing about being hungry and getting hungry. And it’s not one of those craving hungers, it’s like you haven’t eaten in MONTHS.

Which, in a way is very true. When your baby starts to drop, your stomach can reach its full capacity again and all of a sudden everything will need to get into your stomach stat.

Go ahead! Order that half dozen doughnuts at 4 in the afternoon and eat three quietly in the car. YOU DESERVE IT HONEY.

If someone asks you why you didn’t opt for an apple you let them know that making a human is HARD and you can eat whatever you want.

9.) You will go from beyond excited to beyond terrified that the baby is coming.

At this point in your pregnancy, mood swings are not new to you. But I have found my self go from walking around the house like Paul Revere singing “The baby is coming! The baby is coming!” to curled up on the bed saying to Justin “She’s not going to come, she’s going to get smaller in my belly and then try again in a few years.”

As if it worked that way.

The good news? Once you reach that 9th month, your worry (and any worry, really) will switch like a light bulb from “I don’t know if I’m ready” to “GET THIS THING OUT OF ME”.

It’s nature’s way of curing the scare. And for that, nature, I thank you.

So there you have it, some little things to watch out for during your last month of pregnancy. I hope you got a few laughs and relaxed a bit–we’re all in this together!

Hang in there, Momma, it’ll all be over soon!

Thanks for looking!